


Vernon Dursley vs Voldermort

by Silveraro



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bacon, Crack Fic, Gen, I based this off a Pinterest post, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24139468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveraro/pseuds/Silveraro
Summary: Vernon Dursley wants his nephew to cook him bacon, but Voldemort killed him. Vernon still wants his bacon. One-shot. Pure crack. If you want a happy ending, Vernon brought bacon from McDonalds
Relationships: Vernon Dursley/Bacon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Vernon Dursley vs Voldermort

**Author's Note:**

> If you recognise this, I posted it to Fanfiction.net on the 3rd of May 2019. I'm transferring anything that isn't garbage (this is but intentionally) or stories I want to continue.

Vernon Dursley was stood on the battlefield, staring between his dead nephew and the pastie lord.

"Boy,' he grunted, kicking Harry in the shoulder. Voldemort cackled.

"He's dead, muggle. Your precious nephew is dead."

"He's dead! Then who killed him? Whos going to cook my bacon?"

"I killed him,"

'Then you will cook my bacon!"

"I AM THE DARK LORD!" Vernon scoffed

"Dark Lord", huh? That just sounds, to me, like another way of saying you don't have a REAL JOB, now march into the kitchen right now,"

Voldemort looked down at the dead body of Harry Potter.

"This is what you went through?" Vernon scoffed again.

"It's going to get worse for you if you don't COOK. MY. BACON!" he yelled, grabbing his double-barrel shotgun and pointed it at Voldemort. "I was ready to shoot a half-giant, half wizard whos around 20 times more intimidating than a. Noseless. Goth. Freak."

"I killed your brother and sister-in-law, I can kill you!" Voldemort, sounding annoyed he was even having this conversation. He closed his eyes and sighed, not noticing Vernon loading his shotgun.

"I'm guessing you're not going to cook my bacon," Vernon spoke slowly, and irritate.

"Duh! I am a dark lo…"

He never noticed or heard Vernon shoot his gun. He couldn't even have smelled the gunpowder.

Vernon never got his bacon


End file.
